Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles
since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 30 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly
Oil Change $20.00
Oil Change instructions for Men
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a
case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand
cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for
$20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face
and arms in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through
oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing
oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide
old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental
penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to
finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see
his new garage door opener work.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil
change". Drag pan full of old oil out from
underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead
of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7 - 11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat
of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back
yard along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel
oily patch of ground and avoid
environmental penalties.. Wash drain plug in lawn mower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
39) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes
with oilyrag used to clean drain plug.
Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang
knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33. Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August
in the left boob.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
during steps 23-43.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Impound fee $75.00
Total -- $4615.00
But at least you know the job was done right!
Submitted by Patti^
Okay guys, this is all in fun :^)
What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around
in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
2. Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his
neck and the noose.
3. Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
4.How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to
revolve around him. OR Three - one to screw in the bulb, and
two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
5. Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
6. Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for
breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
7. Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
8. Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
9. Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
10. Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants
every woman to satisfy his one need.
11. Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
12. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder: "Instruction Manuals"
this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day!!
And send this to five bright men who have the sense of humor
to find this funny!
PS AT LEAST FINDING 5 BRIGHT WOMEN IS POSSIBLE!
have finally released the ingredients in Viagra:
3% - Vitamin E
2% - Aspirin
2% - Ibuprofen
1% - Vitamin C
5% - Spray Starch
87% - Fix-a-Flat
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got
canned... couldn't concentrate.
I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack
it, so they gave me the ax.
that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it,
mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
I tried to be a chef, I figured it would add a little spice
to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut
best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
was a job in a shoe factory I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live
on my net income.
to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but
the work was just too draining.
then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't
fit for the job.
many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job
as a historian, but there was no
future in it.
last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because
it was always the same old grind.
I RETIRED AND FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't
feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing
my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and
probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good
Morning" let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will
remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good
morning, boss. Happy Birthday."
And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until
noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's
go to lunch, just you and
I said, "By Golly, that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out
to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis
and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You
know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the
office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She
said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't
mind, think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more
"Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came
out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children,
and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat on the couch ... naked
1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you
carry him to bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat
in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate
and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat
is enjoying this)
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times.
This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.
7. Have someone open outside
door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both
8. Clean cat will rocket out
of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.
Sincerely, The Dog
A Frenchman and an Italian were
seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few
cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love
to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and
this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how
much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love
to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this
morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never
love another man."
When the Australian remained
silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did
you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian
arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
One day Bill Clinton was out
jogging and accidentally fell from a ridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without
a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet
president out of the river.
After cleaning up he said, "Boys,
you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve
a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."
The first boy said, "Please,
I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"
"I'll personally hand it
to you," said Mr. Clinton.
"I'd like a pair of Nike
Air Turbos," the second boy said.
"I'll buy them myself and
give them to you," said the grateful Clinton.
"And I'd like a wheelchair
with a stereo in it," said the third boy.
"I'll personally ... wait
a second, son, you're not handicapped!"
"No -- but I will be when
my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."