**beginning of transcript of President Bush’s State of the Union address**

Good Evening America

I want to start off by saying that the Teleprompter is broken and I will have to use my own words tonight so please bear with me.

As ya’ll know, I know what I mean to say but somehow it gets all jumbled up before I actually say it (grins) (takes a sip of what looks like water)

The State of our Union is doing darn fine so I will get right to the point of what really matters to the American people, (takes a sip of what appears to be water) ... War

Now I know ya’ll are a bit curious about the evidence we have against Saddam Hussein (takes a sip of what appears to be water) but I am here to tell you (takes another sip of what appears to be water)(looks off to the side and motions for more what appears to be water) be rest assured we have all the evidence we need and when the time is right we will show it to the world. For now, all anyone needs to know is what you already know ... he is evil and we are in a war to rid the world of evil-doers. Mark my words, Saddam is evil! (takes a sip of what appears to be water)

I mean, c’mon! Look what the man has done to his own people! Ok, we know that we lied to you before when my Daddy was President and that little story about babies being tossed out of the incubators was made up but hell... it was necessary! Now, even though my staff is made up of the same people as my Daddy had (takes a sip of what appears to be water) I trust them completely.

I was mad as a wet hen when Saddam tried to kill my Daddy. The man didn’t even have the guts to attempt it when he was President! He waited until Daddy retired, yes I said retired ... he gave Clinton the office regardless what voters think, and another thing about voters ... Who cares what you think!!! (takes a sip of what appears to be water) All you out there whining about me being a “selected” President are traitors to our country and I am sick and tired of it. Matter of fact, you will be held as enemy combatants of the good ol U S of A soon when my new law goes into affect that anything you say about me, YOUR President, will be dealt with severely. I am President and you will respect my authority! (bangs fist on podium)(takes a sip of what appears to be water) Yessiree Jimbob ... It is the only way to pull together as a nation in this war on terror and I will see to it that all who oppose me will be punished.

Now, I have kind of gotten off the beaten track here as Karl over there seems to be trying to tell me. (takes a sip of what appears to be water) Karl ...get over here and say Hi to the people! Karl ... don’t be shy! C.mon over here!

Well, (laughing) seems ol Karl is a little camera shy. How about that! The things we learn. “Thats ok Karl ... hey buddy I need more water here... snap to it! (takes a sip of what appears to be water)

Ok– where was I .. (thinking) Oh yea! War! Damn I love a good war! Nothing purdier in the night skies than those bombs bursting in air... (stands and starts to sing) Jose can you seeeee... (laughs and sits back down and takes a sip of what appears to be water) I will sing later and you all can join me! I need the Teleprompter working first because I cant remember all the words by heart .. I just love the bombs part.

You know – I don’t understand some of you damned people are out there protesting war! Which will change shortly too because I believe in war and like I always say, either your with me or your against me and I would hate to be the one against me these days (chuckles)

(takes a sip of what appears to be water)

(takes another sip of what appears to be water)

I have a very scratchy throat tonight so I am requiring a lot of water. (smiles) (coughs) (smiles) OK where was I again? Hell where AM I? Where is Dick? (starts laughing) Dick! What a hell of a name. You know, behind his back I call him Penis Head but don’t tell him ok? Shhhhh

(takes a sip of what appears to be water) Good ol Penis Head. He sure is hard to keep track of, he always disappears. Daddy told me not to ask questions though so I try not to. Who cares anyway as long as he approves of war! Hot damn! I love war! Did I already mention that? Ok sorry.... I get so excited about bombs and oil. (looks concerned) I didn’t mean to say Oil .. Forget I ever said that. (looks off to the side ... Hey scratch the line ok? I never said it...got it? Never never never said Oil! Thanks love) (takes a sip of what appears to be water)

That’s what’s so neat about being President! I can say anything I want and my good people fix it so I never said it when I screw up a bit like I just did when I said Oil. Dang, I said it again. Shut my mouth! (laughs) (takes a sip of what appears to be water)

(Karl Rove walks over to the President and whispers in his ear and takes away the glass containing what appears to be water) (The President has a peculiar look on his face) (Mr Rove walks away) (The President still has a peculiar look on his face) (reaches for his glass of what appears to be water) (looks all around .. motions for another glass what appears to be water)

I was just informed by my man, Karl, that the Teleprompter is working now. (squints as he tries to read it)

Ah hell – all I can read is “Fade to Black” .. What the he----------- (everything fades to black)

(Commercial break)

(Voice over) We will resume regular television programming as soon as we hear the feedback on the President’s State of the Union Address (camera spans the room ... Everyone seems to be laughing hysterically) ( Ari Fleisher takes the podium )

Ari: What you think you just watched never happened .... There was no speech by the President tonight. It was, ummmm, a sketch from Saturday Night Live and that was Dana Carvey. He did a wonderful job didn’t he? Lets give a round of applause for Mr Carvey! (claps) Good job Dana .. You sure fooled us! (painful look on his face) (attempts a smile) There will be no questions tonight. Thank you for coming. Good night (mumbles something how even he can't spin this mess as he exits the podium and reaches for a glass of what appears to be water)

**end of transcript**

Back To The Center

[an error occurred while processing this directive]